On the fly....

So, not to bring up an un-related issue here, but this past weekend I had another extremely painful ovarian cyst and ended up going to the ER. I hyperventilated too, which I've never done. I was on the floor, no one was home, so I ended up making it worse by freaking out. Hands and legs went numb and stiff, then my mouth. I tried yelling and no one could hear. Finally I just gave up and it started to fade. It was actually rather terrifying. But, I was relieved to find out it wasn't a seizure or anything like that. So, yeah, doc wants to do surgery in May. And of course, I'm worried about the pain meds. I'm guessing there has to be some liquid form.

This week has seen the return of liquids and pureed foods. I try and do some solids at night, but because I've been sick with a head cold, I don't really feel like eating anyway. Whoopee.

Going to the beach this weekend and by god, even if I have to drink Ensure the whole time, I'm going to have a good time.

stop while you're ahead

So, this week has seen improvements in the return of solid food. I recently learned I'm actually NOT lactose-intolerant so that's opened up whole new worlds (hello orange creamsicles!). Good news, good news. But, I find myself hyper-sensitive to every feeling in my stomach and esophagus, a little gun-shy if you will. I think, "Oh no, is this it, the beginning of a Very Bad Evening?" I got so excited about the solid food for dinner tonight I think I overdid it. I forget that just because I can eat solids again, doesn't mean I can eat a "normal" portion. I'm hoping the sickness stays away until bedtime. Or, I could just use it as an excuse to NOT do my taxes. ;)

With all of that, sometimes it's the understanding, or not understanding, of others that gets to me. My co-workers (most of them) know the issue, but don't really get it. I fear they think I'm exaggerating or making it up because they see me eat certain things sometimes. But, I feel like I have to test the waters every so often, even if it means getting sick later. That said, I'm worried that the next meal will be the beginning of another bad spell.

For anyone reading this, do you have these fluctuations? And do you feel stress has greatly contributed to them? I'm finding liquid is now more intolerable (right now) than solid, maybe because I feel that it shouldn't be a problem and I drink too much? The happy medium is constantly in flux.

Weekend, +1

Relatively comfortable weekend (barring the sore throat). I feel like I tolerated more food than I have in the past couple weeks, but I'm not sure any more what is enough. My proportions on portions are skewed. Did have solid food at least twice a day though, so that's definitely good. Still had to buy smaller jeans and size S tops. My rings will NOT stay on my fingers.
Because of this weekend though, I felt like I could eat more today and I fear that may not be the case. It's 4:30 and I feel intensely bloated, very tired. No backing up yet. Will wait a few hours, since it generally takes at least a couple to figure out the real damage done.

alright then

Just shook my hand and my ring flew off.

20 lbs lost. Probably half due to working out before things got worse, 10 to not being able to eat enough. It's just rapid and that is worrisome.

Give me cheese, or give me death.

Amblyopia, Gastroparesis, Costochondritis, mid-cycle ovarian cysts, and mild asthma. But, as of today (test results), not lactose intolerant! Woot!

Sometimes I am weak for the meats.

Wow, this really will be a daily thing. Maybe it will help me, someone, anyone.

Kept it liquids today with mild discomfort. The heart thing seems to be getting slightly worse. I ran through the parking lot in the rain and when I got to the elevator, it felt odd, slightly painful. It passed. Meh.

Caved. Just had couple spoonfuls of mashed potatoes and gravy and a half a turkey burger. I can feel it starting. This is going to hurt, but I really wanted some real food. I think I may go to bed early anyway.

What fresh hell is this

I was fine, more than fine, doing really well today. So well it made me think I was getting better. That is not so. I feel awful. It's starting to be painful and the more I worry, the worse it gets so I'm writing so I don't worry. This morning I had about a 1/4 c. banana (infant) "oatmeal". It was mostly liquid. Feeling great when I woke up. Started drinking soy mocha at around 10am, never finished. Maybe 3/4 of it, 1/2? Still fine. 1/2 c. ginger-carrot soup for lunch at 1:30pm. Felt fine after that too. All was well and I was in a pretty good mood, getting things done for a change. About 4pm I had one of those small snack packs of Cheez-its, was careful to chew up very well and no.....just no. I've been nauseous, doubled-over, feeling of air pocket ever since about 5pm. I've noticed it takes about an hour for it to hit. I so hate this, this utter waste of time. How many hours, days have I lost?

And I feel like I even look sick now. I hate feeling my bones, the paleness has always been there really. It's not summer yet, even here. But it's a different quality, an unhealthy quality.
I can't eat anything else tonight. I'm scared to even drink water. The thought makes me want to throw up.

Someday you'll pick up these little zeroes and ones, these little virtual artifacts, quiet and unassuming, and you'll understand. Why I couldn't say anything. And would you have believed me anyway.