I had a good cry, some dry heaving (after a dinner where I threw caution to the wind, in my efforts to be a social animal), and wised up. So I post it here, where no one will probably see it. But it's out there, in the ether, and that's something. Because besides the pain, nausea, and physical ailments, the psychological strain and loneliness from this is the worst. But hey, at least it's not cancer, right:
"Feeling like crap 75% of the time will put you in a bad mood, make you depressed. I feel like I'm constantly trying to explain and yet understanding is never found. I feel whiny and insufferable, like a goddamn teenager, and I hate it. I wish a stomach disorder on NO ONE, but I wish to god everyone knew what it feels like. I am always, AL-WAYS, thinking about food, when to eat, what to eat, how much. Everything is planned. So much joy surrounding the breaking of bread, a social endeavor, is virtually gone. Much more than just a "food coma", thank you. I feel weak, and so tired.
Fucking hell, I should probably join a support group."
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Sunday, March 14, 2010
3.14
Today has been a good day so far.
Went to Whole Paycheck and picked up some soy protein/vitamin powder because I think the pill vitamins have been stacking in my stomach and making me feel worse. Also some other baby foods and some banana baby oatmeal. Gotta have variety.
No intense bloating, nausea, or discomfort yet today, making me think things are not so bad. Had applesauce for breakfast, a cookie(!) later, and just had about two small scoops of mashed potatoes and gravy. Have been sipping iced coffee with protein/vitamin powder in it for the last few hours. Dinner will be indulging in half a turkey burger because dammit, I need some meat.
There is definitely something to the stress connection. The worse I feel mentally, the worse I feel physically. I realize this is a "duh" statement, but it makes me think that maybe there's an ulcer making it worse?
Last night, I went to dinner with my friends and watched them eat some ridiculously delicious food. Man I wanted that beef brisket. The garlic soup was good though and I tolerated wine for a good part of the evening. I think there was an air bubble or something in my stomach, or at least that's what it felt like. It felt like air/food was just sitting in my esophagus. I made myself eat more than I thought was wise and that feeling passed, only to be replaced by mild bloating. But at this point, I'd take the bloating over the feeling like I'm going to hurl or constantly feel the need to burp. I will admit, I ate half of a brownie too. And it was totally worth it.
Went to Whole Paycheck and picked up some soy protein/vitamin powder because I think the pill vitamins have been stacking in my stomach and making me feel worse. Also some other baby foods and some banana baby oatmeal. Gotta have variety.
No intense bloating, nausea, or discomfort yet today, making me think things are not so bad. Had applesauce for breakfast, a cookie(!) later, and just had about two small scoops of mashed potatoes and gravy. Have been sipping iced coffee with protein/vitamin powder in it for the last few hours. Dinner will be indulging in half a turkey burger because dammit, I need some meat.
There is definitely something to the stress connection. The worse I feel mentally, the worse I feel physically. I realize this is a "duh" statement, but it makes me think that maybe there's an ulcer making it worse?
Last night, I went to dinner with my friends and watched them eat some ridiculously delicious food. Man I wanted that beef brisket. The garlic soup was good though and I tolerated wine for a good part of the evening. I think there was an air bubble or something in my stomach, or at least that's what it felt like. It felt like air/food was just sitting in my esophagus. I made myself eat more than I thought was wise and that feeling passed, only to be replaced by mild bloating. But at this point, I'd take the bloating over the feeling like I'm going to hurl or constantly feel the need to burp. I will admit, I ate half of a brownie too. And it was totally worth it.
Friday, March 12, 2010
By way of introduction...
So, now that the crying jag (and subsequent puking) has passed, would you like some background?
Of course you would. I mean, who DOESN'T want to hear about other people's stomach trouble? I dare say no one, everyone? Wait....what?
A few months ago, I was diagnosed with gastroparesis. The earliest symptom I remember would have been Spring of 2006. At the time, it was simply intense bloating that passed after a few hours. Uncomfortable, but I thought it was either what I was eating, how fast, how much, something. I didn't have health insurance really since I was in college (returning student, I am now 32). It seemed to go away for a few months, and then return without warning. This past year, the symptoms have become worse. The evening bloating so painful and uncomfortable that I felt like I wanted to just unzip my stomach. By morning, it went back down. It got to the point that I just pretended I was pregnant to make myself feel better. But it was also increasingly interfering with my quality of life. When the bloating started, so did the fatigue and the shortness of breath. I felt disgusting.
So, I finally went to the doctor and we did the gastric emptying test. It took 4 1/2 hours for my stomach to empty. This seems to be mild-to-moderate gastroparesis. Some have it much worse. Unfortunately, it is now getting worse for me too.
Currently, I'm not able to tolerate solid food very well at all and even soup, broth, liquid, and baby food is becoming an issue. And honestly, I'm scared, scared and worried that it will just keep getting worse and I will have to have a feeding tube. The thought of anything non-organic in my body makes me sick. Literally. I was just on the verge of throwing up and foolishly looked up j-tube. Yeah, that did the trick.
I don't even want to talk about this. Not many people know how bad this is and I dread sounding like a whiner. So, that's what the internet is for, right? Who knows, maybe some other sufferer will take comfort in what will probably be a near-daily vacillation of highs and lows. This is really testing my resolve to be a more positive person, it really is. I'll admit that I'm kind of a sad sack sometimes. I think too much. But, when it comes down to brass tacks, I'm still siding for hope and idealism. There's a balance there that I'll probably constantly be searching for.
At ANY rate, I'm scheduled to start a clinical study for cisapride (scary drug) on April 20 and it can't come soon enough. Even then, it will probably take a couple months to get the actual medication. I tried Reglan, but it was terrible. Even 5mg doses (3x a day, then 1x) did me more harm than good. I was so tired and loopy that I could not function. I ended up crying in my room more than once during a work day simply because I hated feeling out-of-control. Me and drugs, we don't do well. But I have to hold out hope...even though cisapride has been known to cause death in patients who mix it with a long list of other meds and that scares the shit out of me. Of course, Reglan has its own issues now. Just look at all the lawsuits. And I know I only took it for a week, but I swear I'm seeing shit and my heart has started fluttering. Good god, I haven't told anyone that one. Maybe it's the fact that I'm taking in probably 400-600 calories a day, if I'm lucky. But, hey-hey, at least I'm losing weight.
And yeah, let's talk about that, because this affliction is more than just food and calories. It's fucking with my head. Food is everywhere and is required for most social activities. I feel like such a kill-joy. And yet, some of the people around me just don't get it. Don't bring in your delicious smelling Mexican food and A) ask me if I want some and B) eat it in front of me. And now I'm REALLY noticing just how large our portions are. A small is like an extra-large to me now. I'm supposed to take my friends out to dinner tomorrow night, just to use this gift certificate to a slightly-swank restaurant that I got months ago and I won't be able to enjoy most things on the menu. "Yeah, I'll have the soup....and could you put it in the smallest cup possible?" Dammit I miss food. And I didn't want to lose the weight this way. I was doing well exercising, but now I feel like I'm 17 again, starving myself. And yeah, I have a history of that too. I lost a lot of weight when I was younger by not eating, so yay for revisiting that. I'm scared this is not only going to starve me, but give me even more body issues, as well as the possibility of other afflictions/problems from not getting enough nutrition.
Of course you would. I mean, who DOESN'T want to hear about other people's stomach trouble? I dare say no one, everyone? Wait....what?
A few months ago, I was diagnosed with gastroparesis. The earliest symptom I remember would have been Spring of 2006. At the time, it was simply intense bloating that passed after a few hours. Uncomfortable, but I thought it was either what I was eating, how fast, how much, something. I didn't have health insurance really since I was in college (returning student, I am now 32). It seemed to go away for a few months, and then return without warning. This past year, the symptoms have become worse. The evening bloating so painful and uncomfortable that I felt like I wanted to just unzip my stomach. By morning, it went back down. It got to the point that I just pretended I was pregnant to make myself feel better. But it was also increasingly interfering with my quality of life. When the bloating started, so did the fatigue and the shortness of breath. I felt disgusting.
So, I finally went to the doctor and we did the gastric emptying test. It took 4 1/2 hours for my stomach to empty. This seems to be mild-to-moderate gastroparesis. Some have it much worse. Unfortunately, it is now getting worse for me too.
Currently, I'm not able to tolerate solid food very well at all and even soup, broth, liquid, and baby food is becoming an issue. And honestly, I'm scared, scared and worried that it will just keep getting worse and I will have to have a feeding tube. The thought of anything non-organic in my body makes me sick. Literally. I was just on the verge of throwing up and foolishly looked up j-tube. Yeah, that did the trick.
I don't even want to talk about this. Not many people know how bad this is and I dread sounding like a whiner. So, that's what the internet is for, right? Who knows, maybe some other sufferer will take comfort in what will probably be a near-daily vacillation of highs and lows. This is really testing my resolve to be a more positive person, it really is. I'll admit that I'm kind of a sad sack sometimes. I think too much. But, when it comes down to brass tacks, I'm still siding for hope and idealism. There's a balance there that I'll probably constantly be searching for.
At ANY rate, I'm scheduled to start a clinical study for cisapride (scary drug) on April 20 and it can't come soon enough. Even then, it will probably take a couple months to get the actual medication. I tried Reglan, but it was terrible. Even 5mg doses (3x a day, then 1x) did me more harm than good. I was so tired and loopy that I could not function. I ended up crying in my room more than once during a work day simply because I hated feeling out-of-control. Me and drugs, we don't do well. But I have to hold out hope...even though cisapride has been known to cause death in patients who mix it with a long list of other meds and that scares the shit out of me. Of course, Reglan has its own issues now. Just look at all the lawsuits. And I know I only took it for a week, but I swear I'm seeing shit and my heart has started fluttering. Good god, I haven't told anyone that one. Maybe it's the fact that I'm taking in probably 400-600 calories a day, if I'm lucky. But, hey-hey, at least I'm losing weight.
And yeah, let's talk about that, because this affliction is more than just food and calories. It's fucking with my head. Food is everywhere and is required for most social activities. I feel like such a kill-joy. And yet, some of the people around me just don't get it. Don't bring in your delicious smelling Mexican food and A) ask me if I want some and B) eat it in front of me. And now I'm REALLY noticing just how large our portions are. A small is like an extra-large to me now. I'm supposed to take my friends out to dinner tomorrow night, just to use this gift certificate to a slightly-swank restaurant that I got months ago and I won't be able to enjoy most things on the menu. "Yeah, I'll have the soup....and could you put it in the smallest cup possible?" Dammit I miss food. And I didn't want to lose the weight this way. I was doing well exercising, but now I feel like I'm 17 again, starving myself. And yeah, I have a history of that too. I lost a lot of weight when I was younger by not eating, so yay for revisiting that. I'm scared this is not only going to starve me, but give me even more body issues, as well as the possibility of other afflictions/problems from not getting enough nutrition.
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