Hello all...

I have decided to consolidate my blogging on one service and I have moved this blog to Wordpress.
Please see this link for further updates.

Because I almost posted it on Facebook...

I had a good cry, some dry heaving (after a dinner where I threw caution to the wind, in my efforts to be a social animal), and wised up.  So I post it here, where no one will probably see it.  But it's out there, in the ether, and that's something.  Because besides the pain, nausea, and physical ailments, the psychological strain and loneliness from this is the worst.  But hey, at least it's not cancer, right:

"Feeling like crap 75% of the time will put you in a bad mood, make you depressed.  I feel like I'm constantly trying to explain and yet understanding is never found.  I feel whiny and insufferable, like a goddamn teenager, and I hate it.  I wish a stomach disorder on NO ONE, but I wish to god everyone knew what it feels like.  I am always, AL-WAYS, thinking about food, when to eat, what to eat, how much.  Everything is planned.  So much joy surrounding the breaking of bread, a social endeavor, is virtually gone.  Much more than just a "food coma", thank you.   I feel weak, and so tired. 

Fucking hell, I should probably join a support group."

Hooray!

I find it mildly, sadly, humorous that I feel six months pregnant nearly every day, yet I am now 35, completely single, with dwindling chances of ever actually being pregnant.

Running on low

So, I'm running out of meds, the ones that work (Cisapride/Propulsid drug study).  I just counted and it's down to 25.  I've cut my dosage in half these past few weeks, which has resulted in me feeling/looking like I'm wearing a tire around my mid-section, (now extreme) nausea, and pain, as well as some depression.  Once again, I'd forgotten how good I'd had it with 20mg.  It seems that even doing the 10mg is like doing nothing at all since I just ate a small croissant and paid for it with a hour and a half of lying perfectly still on the couch, trying to will the pain away and trying not to hoark.  It also appears to have brought on a mild migraine.

Tomorrow I finally go to my appointment, of which my doctor is going to see me for free, since I no longer have health insurance.  I have to pay for the EKG and labs out-of-pocket, but I really don't care right now.  I just want more pills.  I've forgotten how to function without them and I fear I would never get anything done in the evenings (mornings are now rough too), unless I just didn't eat at all.  Of course, this is how most/many GP patients have it, so I should probably count my lucky stars I've found something that works.

The only good thing is that I've started drawing again.  In the evening, when I can't sit at my desk anymore and need to just be still, I sit up and draw a little bit.  I've started drawing still lifes, but still lifes about my still life, drawings that try to convey how my insides feel.

Right now though, right now I need to go lay down again, and just wait for this to pass.
I hope anyone out there who might be reading this is doing well and having a Happy 4th.  Light some fireworks for me.  :}

p.s. Does anyone else feel so much better mentally when not eating?  I get depressed because I can't eat, because I'm thinking and planning and revolving around food, and then when I do eat, it just brings me down anyway.  My mind is so much lighter, not as depressed, when I don't eat.  That's why I (usually) like mornings now, it's like a clean slate.  It's a constant up-and-down struggle, not just with my body, but with my mind.

The cycle strikes again

So, I've been trying not to eat while I'm at work, because I just feel awful.  It's odd how food is like alcohol sometimes, in that I will PASS THE FUCK OUT after eating.  Seriously.  Just can't help falling asleep.  Not to mention the very uncomfortable bloating, and mild pain.

So, yeah, not eating at work, but then when I come home, I'm starving.  So, last night, knowing that I'm also on my cycle and feel the endometriosis is flaring up, AND I'm running out of medication (that's another story), I ate a small amount of rice and a mild veggie curry.  Most people, who god bless them, don't understand this disease, would say, "ohhh, it was the curry, wasn't it".  NO.  Look, I can eat spicy food, it's not IBS or acid reflux, or Crohn's or whatever.  Sometimes, usually around this time, it just gets really awful.  Right now, is that time.  So much pain last night, couldn't sleep.  Wanted a mid-sectionectomy, just remove my torso please.  Felt like a twisted mess with knives sticking in a few choice places.  Feel it coming on now, even though I've had tea today....ok, and a few pine nuts, but dammit, they're soft!

Also, what's with the back pain?  It's ramped up with my cycle, but lower back gets it bad sometimes.  I was reading about fasting and it seems that lumbago is fairly common when only taking in liquid.

Speaking of, I know I should be on a liquid diet right now, but I also hate wasting food and feel like I need to eat what's in my fridge.  I also know I shouldn't be eating so much, period.  It's time to go back to fist-sized portions, and mostly soft, liquid, or pureed foods.  I don't think I anticipated how hard it would be when working in a restaurant.   I'm just going to suck it up, eat only at home where I can lay very still afterwards, be completely (rather than mostly) anti-social, and bitch on here until it passes.  After that, it's time to be more strict, and hope my friends understand I'm not trying to be difficult or a downer when I have to plan everything out and need more notice before joining them for food, or when I decline to eat.  I hate thinking about food all the time, hate having to plan everything out, but at least I'll feel better physically, then perhaps mentally.
Huzzah!

Stop! Liquid diet time!

I look and feel, oh, about six months pregnant and have gained back a few pounds from trying to get in food consumption at night before I go to bed.  I feel both fat and awful.  Threw up today after eating some pretzels (didn't take pill either, because I'ma dummeh.)

Missing Mardi Gras

Annnnd, we're back.
Was doing good and then BAM, down for the count.  Monday evening, having not eaten anything all day, I took my pills, then ate a sandwich.  Said sandwich had bacon on it.  Usually, if I have bacon, I'll eat the meaty parts of two strips and then leave the fat.  Since this was most of the sandwich, and I'd taken my pills, I left everything intact.  I'm guessing this was the culprit since I woke up at 3am feeling massive nausea and pain.  I then proceeded to "evacuate" everything in my body, from top to bottom, until about 11am.  I gave up and just laid on the bathroom floor.  The whole time, I had pain contractions, always two in a row.  Usually, the pain is fairly constant and subsides if I lay still.  This time they came on randomly and very intense.

So, here I sit, having missed Mardi Gras (in New Orleans, mind you).  Costume was all ready, plan was set.  There's always next year, but yet again I'm wondering when this will subside.  I still cannot eat, even liquids are a problem.  Why does this happen randomly like this.  I'd thought it was tied to my cycle, but again, since I'm on the three month pill, I don't know if this is when my cycle would really be happening.  I just hope it goes away before my double-shift on Friday.

EDIT:  This was actually food poisoning.  Yay!