So, I'm running out of meds, the ones that work (Cisapride/Propulsid drug study). I just counted and it's down to 25. I've cut my dosage in half these past few weeks, which has resulted in me feeling/looking like I'm wearing a tire around my mid-section, (now extreme) nausea, and pain, as well as some depression. Once again, I'd forgotten how good I'd had it with 20mg. It seems that even doing the 10mg is like doing nothing at all since I just ate a small croissant and paid for it with a hour and a half of lying perfectly still on the couch, trying to will the pain away and trying not to hoark. It also appears to have brought on a mild migraine.
Tomorrow I finally go to my appointment, of which my doctor is going to see me for free, since I no longer have health insurance. I have to pay for the EKG and labs out-of-pocket, but I really don't care right now. I just want more pills. I've forgotten how to function without them and I fear I would never get anything done in the evenings (mornings are now rough too), unless I just didn't eat at all. Of course, this is how most/many GP patients have it, so I should probably count my lucky stars I've found something that works.
The only good thing is that I've started drawing again. In the evening, when I can't sit at my desk anymore and need to just be still, I sit up and draw a little bit. I've started drawing still lifes, but still lifes about my still life, drawings that try to convey how my insides feel.
Right now though, right now I need to go lay down again, and just wait for this to pass.
I hope anyone out there who might be reading this is doing well and having a Happy 4th. Light some fireworks for me. :}
p.s. Does anyone else feel so much better mentally when not eating? I get depressed because I can't eat, because I'm thinking and planning and revolving around food, and then when I do eat, it just brings me down anyway. My mind is so much lighter, not as depressed, when I don't eat. That's why I (usually) like mornings now, it's like a clean slate. It's a constant up-and-down struggle, not just with my body, but with my mind.
