On the fly....

So, not to bring up an un-related issue here, but this past weekend I had another extremely painful ovarian cyst and ended up going to the ER. I hyperventilated too, which I've never done. I was on the floor, no one was home, so I ended up making it worse by freaking out. Hands and legs went numb and stiff, then my mouth. I tried yelling and no one could hear. Finally I just gave up and it started to fade. It was actually rather terrifying. But, I was relieved to find out it wasn't a seizure or anything like that. So, yeah, doc wants to do surgery in May. And of course, I'm worried about the pain meds. I'm guessing there has to be some liquid form.

This week has seen the return of liquids and pureed foods. I try and do some solids at night, but because I've been sick with a head cold, I don't really feel like eating anyway. Whoopee.

Going to the beach this weekend and by god, even if I have to drink Ensure the whole time, I'm going to have a good time.

stop while you're ahead

So, this week has seen improvements in the return of solid food. I recently learned I'm actually NOT lactose-intolerant so that's opened up whole new worlds (hello orange creamsicles!). Good news, good news. But, I find myself hyper-sensitive to every feeling in my stomach and esophagus, a little gun-shy if you will. I think, "Oh no, is this it, the beginning of a Very Bad Evening?" I got so excited about the solid food for dinner tonight I think I overdid it. I forget that just because I can eat solids again, doesn't mean I can eat a "normal" portion. I'm hoping the sickness stays away until bedtime. Or, I could just use it as an excuse to NOT do my taxes. ;)

With all of that, sometimes it's the understanding, or not understanding, of others that gets to me. My co-workers (most of them) know the issue, but don't really get it. I fear they think I'm exaggerating or making it up because they see me eat certain things sometimes. But, I feel like I have to test the waters every so often, even if it means getting sick later. That said, I'm worried that the next meal will be the beginning of another bad spell.

For anyone reading this, do you have these fluctuations? And do you feel stress has greatly contributed to them? I'm finding liquid is now more intolerable (right now) than solid, maybe because I feel that it shouldn't be a problem and I drink too much? The happy medium is constantly in flux.

Weekend, +1

Relatively comfortable weekend (barring the sore throat). I feel like I tolerated more food than I have in the past couple weeks, but I'm not sure any more what is enough. My proportions on portions are skewed. Did have solid food at least twice a day though, so that's definitely good. Still had to buy smaller jeans and size S tops. My rings will NOT stay on my fingers.
Because of this weekend though, I felt like I could eat more today and I fear that may not be the case. It's 4:30 and I feel intensely bloated, very tired. No backing up yet. Will wait a few hours, since it generally takes at least a couple to figure out the real damage done.

alright then

Just shook my hand and my ring flew off.

20 lbs lost. Probably half due to working out before things got worse, 10 to not being able to eat enough. It's just rapid and that is worrisome.

Give me cheese, or give me death.

Amblyopia, Gastroparesis, Costochondritis, mid-cycle ovarian cysts, and mild asthma. But, as of today (test results), not lactose intolerant! Woot!

Sometimes I am weak for the meats.

Wow, this really will be a daily thing. Maybe it will help me, someone, anyone.

Kept it liquids today with mild discomfort. The heart thing seems to be getting slightly worse. I ran through the parking lot in the rain and when I got to the elevator, it felt odd, slightly painful. It passed. Meh.

Caved. Just had couple spoonfuls of mashed potatoes and gravy and a half a turkey burger. I can feel it starting. This is going to hurt, but I really wanted some real food. I think I may go to bed early anyway.

What fresh hell is this

I was fine, more than fine, doing really well today. So well it made me think I was getting better. That is not so. I feel awful. It's starting to be painful and the more I worry, the worse it gets so I'm writing so I don't worry. This morning I had about a 1/4 c. banana (infant) "oatmeal". It was mostly liquid. Feeling great when I woke up. Started drinking soy mocha at around 10am, never finished. Maybe 3/4 of it, 1/2? Still fine. 1/2 c. ginger-carrot soup for lunch at 1:30pm. Felt fine after that too. All was well and I was in a pretty good mood, getting things done for a change. About 4pm I had one of those small snack packs of Cheez-its, was careful to chew up very well and no.....just no. I've been nauseous, doubled-over, feeling of air pocket ever since about 5pm. I've noticed it takes about an hour for it to hit. I so hate this, this utter waste of time. How many hours, days have I lost?

And I feel like I even look sick now. I hate feeling my bones, the paleness has always been there really. It's not summer yet, even here. But it's a different quality, an unhealthy quality.
I can't eat anything else tonight. I'm scared to even drink water. The thought makes me want to throw up.

Someday you'll pick up these little zeroes and ones, these little virtual artifacts, quiet and unassuming, and you'll understand. Why I couldn't say anything. And would you have believed me anyway.

3.14

Today has been a good day so far.
Went to Whole Paycheck and picked up some soy protein/vitamin powder because I think the pill vitamins have been stacking in my stomach and making me feel worse. Also some other baby foods and some banana baby oatmeal. Gotta have variety.

No intense bloating, nausea, or discomfort yet today, making me think things are not so bad. Had applesauce for breakfast, a cookie(!) later, and just had about two small scoops of mashed potatoes and gravy. Have been sipping iced coffee with protein/vitamin powder in it for the last few hours. Dinner will be indulging in half a turkey burger because dammit, I need some meat.

There is definitely something to the stress connection. The worse I feel mentally, the worse I feel physically. I realize this is a "duh" statement, but it makes me think that maybe there's an ulcer making it worse?

Last night, I went to dinner with my friends and watched them eat some ridiculously delicious food. Man I wanted that beef brisket. The garlic soup was good though and I tolerated wine for a good part of the evening. I think there was an air bubble or something in my stomach, or at least that's what it felt like. It felt like air/food was just sitting in my esophagus. I made myself eat more than I thought was wise and that feeling passed, only to be replaced by mild bloating. But at this point, I'd take the bloating over the feeling like I'm going to hurl or constantly feel the need to burp. I will admit, I ate half of a brownie too. And it was totally worth it.

What's up, doc?

So, thanks to the internet, I'm now scared I have this. It's the heart palpitations that worry me, along with the "floaters", the fatigue and loss of focus I could chalk up to not eating enough. I mentioned the eye thing to the doc last week and he said I should see an eye doctor. Well, thanks. I may just call on Monday and mention the FLUTTERING OF A MAJOR ORGAN. Man I wish I trusted doctors more.

By way of introduction...

So, now that the crying jag (and subsequent puking) has passed, would you like some background?

Of course you would. I mean, who DOESN'T want to hear about other people's stomach trouble? I dare say no one, everyone? Wait....what?

A few months ago, I was diagnosed with gastroparesis. The earliest symptom I remember would have been Spring of 2006. At the time, it was simply intense bloating that passed after a few hours. Uncomfortable, but I thought it was either what I was eating, how fast, how much, something. I didn't have health insurance really since I was in college (returning student, I am now 32). It seemed to go away for a few months, and then return without warning. This past year, the symptoms have become worse. The evening bloating so painful and uncomfortable that I felt like I wanted to just unzip my stomach. By morning, it went back down. It got to the point that I just pretended I was pregnant to make myself feel better. But it was also increasingly interfering with my quality of life. When the bloating started, so did the fatigue and the shortness of breath. I felt disgusting.

So, I finally went to the doctor and we did the gastric emptying test. It took 4 1/2 hours for my stomach to empty. This seems to be mild-to-moderate gastroparesis. Some have it much worse. Unfortunately, it is now getting worse for me too.

Currently, I'm not able to tolerate solid food very well at all and even soup, broth, liquid, and baby food is becoming an issue. And honestly, I'm scared, scared and worried that it will just keep getting worse and I will have to have a feeding tube. The thought of anything non-organic in my body makes me sick. Literally. I was just on the verge of throwing up and foolishly looked up j-tube. Yeah, that did the trick.

I don't even want to talk about this. Not many people know how bad this is and I dread sounding like a whiner. So, that's what the internet is for, right? Who knows, maybe some other sufferer will take comfort in what will probably be a near-daily vacillation of highs and lows. This is really testing my resolve to be a more positive person, it really is. I'll admit that I'm kind of a sad sack sometimes. I think too much. But, when it comes down to brass tacks, I'm still siding for hope and idealism. There's a balance there that I'll probably constantly be searching for.

At ANY rate, I'm scheduled to start a clinical study for cisapride (scary drug) on April 20 and it can't come soon enough. Even then, it will probably take a couple months to get the actual medication. I tried Reglan, but it was terrible. Even 5mg doses (3x a day, then 1x) did me more harm than good. I was so tired and loopy that I could not function. I ended up crying in my room more than once during a work day simply because I hated feeling out-of-control. Me and drugs, we don't do well. But I have to hold out hope...even though cisapride has been known to cause death in patients who mix it with a long list of other meds and that scares the shit out of me. Of course, Reglan has its own issues now. Just look at all the lawsuits. And I know I only took it for a week, but I swear I'm seeing shit and my heart has started fluttering. Good god, I haven't told anyone that one. Maybe it's the fact that I'm taking in probably 400-600 calories a day, if I'm lucky. But, hey-hey, at least I'm losing weight.

And yeah, let's talk about that, because this affliction is more than just food and calories. It's fucking with my head. Food is everywhere and is required for most social activities. I feel like such a kill-joy. And yet, some of the people around me just don't get it. Don't bring in your delicious smelling Mexican food and A) ask me if I want some and B) eat it in front of me. And now I'm REALLY noticing just how large our portions are. A small is like an extra-large to me now. I'm supposed to take my friends out to dinner tomorrow night, just to use this gift certificate to a slightly-swank restaurant that I got months ago and I won't be able to enjoy most things on the menu. "Yeah, I'll have the soup....and could you put it in the smallest cup possible?" Dammit I miss food. And I didn't want to lose the weight this way. I was doing well exercising, but now I feel like I'm 17 again, starving myself. And yeah, I have a history of that too. I lost a lot of weight when I was younger by not eating, so yay for revisiting that. I'm scared this is not only going to starve me, but give me even more body issues, as well as the possibility of other afflictions/problems from not getting enough nutrition.