So, I've been trying not to eat while I'm at work, because I just feel awful. It's odd how food is like alcohol sometimes, in that I will PASS THE FUCK OUT after eating. Seriously. Just can't help falling asleep. Not to mention the very uncomfortable bloating, and mild pain.
So, yeah, not eating at work, but then when I come home, I'm starving. So, last night, knowing that I'm also on my cycle and feel the endometriosis is flaring up, AND I'm running out of medication (that's another story), I ate a small amount of rice and a mild veggie curry. Most people, who god bless them, don't understand this disease, would say, "ohhh, it was the curry, wasn't it". NO. Look, I can eat spicy food, it's not IBS or acid reflux, or Crohn's or whatever. Sometimes, usually around this time, it just gets really awful. Right now, is that time. So much pain last night, couldn't sleep. Wanted a mid-sectionectomy, just remove my torso please. Felt like a twisted mess with knives sticking in a few choice places. Feel it coming on now, even though I've had tea today....ok, and a few pine nuts, but dammit, they're soft!
Also, what's with the back pain? It's ramped up with my cycle, but lower back gets it bad sometimes. I was reading about fasting and it seems that lumbago is fairly common when only taking in liquid.
Speaking of, I know I should be on a liquid diet right now, but I also hate wasting food and feel like I need to eat what's in my fridge. I also know I shouldn't be eating so much, period. It's time to go back to fist-sized portions, and mostly soft, liquid, or pureed foods. I don't think I anticipated how hard it would be when working in a restaurant. I'm just going to suck it up, eat only at home where I can lay very still afterwards, be completely (rather than mostly) anti-social, and bitch on here until it passes. After that, it's time to be more strict, and hope my friends understand I'm not trying to be difficult or a downer when I have to plan everything out and need more notice before joining them for food, or when I decline to eat. I hate thinking about food all the time, hate having to plan everything out, but at least I'll feel better physically, then perhaps mentally.
Huzzah!
Showing posts with label bitching. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bitching. Show all posts
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Sunday, August 14, 2011
The past few days have been abundantly awful.
Actually, the past week had been pretty damn bad, but it's the extreme shortness of breath that really bothers me. I feel like I could suffocate, but I know panicking will only make it worse. I think it's a combination of allergies and gas from eating (anything really, these days). Having a spell. Good thing I bought all that food!
That's another thing I hate, wasting food. I have all this good stuff that I want to make, that I could eat when I'm stable, but this comes on so suddenly that I fear it going bad. Plus, cooking relaxes me. So, if things don't improve in the next day or so, my co-workers will be getting a treat.
I haven't been able to go out in the evenings at all the past few days. Went to the Saints game on Friday, but ended up being sick later that night. Didn't even try last night due to the not being able to breathe. Figured I just can't eat hardly anything, so today, I had about a half cup of grits in the morning and some chips and salsa in the late afternoon (both times I prepped by taking 1 1/2 pills (Cisapride). And now, now I feel (and look) pregnant and can't breathe. I really hate this. I don't know how many times I can say this. If I was on a path to becoming a hermit before, this just solidifies it. I'm only good in the morning. Basically, my free time away from my consuming job is ruined a lot of the time. Being on the internet is about all I can do from a horizontal position. Reading yes, but I tend to fall asleep these days. The other night I did do some drawing though, so that's something.
That's the other thing though. I'm so tired, so tired all the time. Caffeine doesn't even matter anymore. I can have three shots of espresso and still pass out on the couch after reading a few pages. It's not lack of sleep either, unless I need more than 9 hours, which is ridiculous. Today, I got the shakes from carrying a couple grocery bags into the house. I sat on the balcony and spaced out, let my body sink for a good half hour before feeling "right". I just feel weak and my body feels old. I'm sure part of it is nutritional. I've got to get better about the vitamins.
Actually, the past week had been pretty damn bad, but it's the extreme shortness of breath that really bothers me. I feel like I could suffocate, but I know panicking will only make it worse. I think it's a combination of allergies and gas from eating (anything really, these days). Having a spell. Good thing I bought all that food!
That's another thing I hate, wasting food. I have all this good stuff that I want to make, that I could eat when I'm stable, but this comes on so suddenly that I fear it going bad. Plus, cooking relaxes me. So, if things don't improve in the next day or so, my co-workers will be getting a treat.
I haven't been able to go out in the evenings at all the past few days. Went to the Saints game on Friday, but ended up being sick later that night. Didn't even try last night due to the not being able to breathe. Figured I just can't eat hardly anything, so today, I had about a half cup of grits in the morning and some chips and salsa in the late afternoon (both times I prepped by taking 1 1/2 pills (Cisapride). And now, now I feel (and look) pregnant and can't breathe. I really hate this. I don't know how many times I can say this. If I was on a path to becoming a hermit before, this just solidifies it. I'm only good in the morning. Basically, my free time away from my consuming job is ruined a lot of the time. Being on the internet is about all I can do from a horizontal position. Reading yes, but I tend to fall asleep these days. The other night I did do some drawing though, so that's something.
That's the other thing though. I'm so tired, so tired all the time. Caffeine doesn't even matter anymore. I can have three shots of espresso and still pass out on the couch after reading a few pages. It's not lack of sleep either, unless I need more than 9 hours, which is ridiculous. Today, I got the shakes from carrying a couple grocery bags into the house. I sat on the balcony and spaced out, let my body sink for a good half hour before feeling "right". I just feel weak and my body feels old. I'm sure part of it is nutritional. I've got to get better about the vitamins.
Friday, March 12, 2010
By way of introduction...
So, now that the crying jag (and subsequent puking) has passed, would you like some background?
Of course you would. I mean, who DOESN'T want to hear about other people's stomach trouble? I dare say no one, everyone? Wait....what?
A few months ago, I was diagnosed with gastroparesis. The earliest symptom I remember would have been Spring of 2006. At the time, it was simply intense bloating that passed after a few hours. Uncomfortable, but I thought it was either what I was eating, how fast, how much, something. I didn't have health insurance really since I was in college (returning student, I am now 32). It seemed to go away for a few months, and then return without warning. This past year, the symptoms have become worse. The evening bloating so painful and uncomfortable that I felt like I wanted to just unzip my stomach. By morning, it went back down. It got to the point that I just pretended I was pregnant to make myself feel better. But it was also increasingly interfering with my quality of life. When the bloating started, so did the fatigue and the shortness of breath. I felt disgusting.
So, I finally went to the doctor and we did the gastric emptying test. It took 4 1/2 hours for my stomach to empty. This seems to be mild-to-moderate gastroparesis. Some have it much worse. Unfortunately, it is now getting worse for me too.
Currently, I'm not able to tolerate solid food very well at all and even soup, broth, liquid, and baby food is becoming an issue. And honestly, I'm scared, scared and worried that it will just keep getting worse and I will have to have a feeding tube. The thought of anything non-organic in my body makes me sick. Literally. I was just on the verge of throwing up and foolishly looked up j-tube. Yeah, that did the trick.
I don't even want to talk about this. Not many people know how bad this is and I dread sounding like a whiner. So, that's what the internet is for, right? Who knows, maybe some other sufferer will take comfort in what will probably be a near-daily vacillation of highs and lows. This is really testing my resolve to be a more positive person, it really is. I'll admit that I'm kind of a sad sack sometimes. I think too much. But, when it comes down to brass tacks, I'm still siding for hope and idealism. There's a balance there that I'll probably constantly be searching for.
At ANY rate, I'm scheduled to start a clinical study for cisapride (scary drug) on April 20 and it can't come soon enough. Even then, it will probably take a couple months to get the actual medication. I tried Reglan, but it was terrible. Even 5mg doses (3x a day, then 1x) did me more harm than good. I was so tired and loopy that I could not function. I ended up crying in my room more than once during a work day simply because I hated feeling out-of-control. Me and drugs, we don't do well. But I have to hold out hope...even though cisapride has been known to cause death in patients who mix it with a long list of other meds and that scares the shit out of me. Of course, Reglan has its own issues now. Just look at all the lawsuits. And I know I only took it for a week, but I swear I'm seeing shit and my heart has started fluttering. Good god, I haven't told anyone that one. Maybe it's the fact that I'm taking in probably 400-600 calories a day, if I'm lucky. But, hey-hey, at least I'm losing weight.
And yeah, let's talk about that, because this affliction is more than just food and calories. It's fucking with my head. Food is everywhere and is required for most social activities. I feel like such a kill-joy. And yet, some of the people around me just don't get it. Don't bring in your delicious smelling Mexican food and A) ask me if I want some and B) eat it in front of me. And now I'm REALLY noticing just how large our portions are. A small is like an extra-large to me now. I'm supposed to take my friends out to dinner tomorrow night, just to use this gift certificate to a slightly-swank restaurant that I got months ago and I won't be able to enjoy most things on the menu. "Yeah, I'll have the soup....and could you put it in the smallest cup possible?" Dammit I miss food. And I didn't want to lose the weight this way. I was doing well exercising, but now I feel like I'm 17 again, starving myself. And yeah, I have a history of that too. I lost a lot of weight when I was younger by not eating, so yay for revisiting that. I'm scared this is not only going to starve me, but give me even more body issues, as well as the possibility of other afflictions/problems from not getting enough nutrition.
Of course you would. I mean, who DOESN'T want to hear about other people's stomach trouble? I dare say no one, everyone? Wait....what?
A few months ago, I was diagnosed with gastroparesis. The earliest symptom I remember would have been Spring of 2006. At the time, it was simply intense bloating that passed after a few hours. Uncomfortable, but I thought it was either what I was eating, how fast, how much, something. I didn't have health insurance really since I was in college (returning student, I am now 32). It seemed to go away for a few months, and then return without warning. This past year, the symptoms have become worse. The evening bloating so painful and uncomfortable that I felt like I wanted to just unzip my stomach. By morning, it went back down. It got to the point that I just pretended I was pregnant to make myself feel better. But it was also increasingly interfering with my quality of life. When the bloating started, so did the fatigue and the shortness of breath. I felt disgusting.
So, I finally went to the doctor and we did the gastric emptying test. It took 4 1/2 hours for my stomach to empty. This seems to be mild-to-moderate gastroparesis. Some have it much worse. Unfortunately, it is now getting worse for me too.
Currently, I'm not able to tolerate solid food very well at all and even soup, broth, liquid, and baby food is becoming an issue. And honestly, I'm scared, scared and worried that it will just keep getting worse and I will have to have a feeding tube. The thought of anything non-organic in my body makes me sick. Literally. I was just on the verge of throwing up and foolishly looked up j-tube. Yeah, that did the trick.
I don't even want to talk about this. Not many people know how bad this is and I dread sounding like a whiner. So, that's what the internet is for, right? Who knows, maybe some other sufferer will take comfort in what will probably be a near-daily vacillation of highs and lows. This is really testing my resolve to be a more positive person, it really is. I'll admit that I'm kind of a sad sack sometimes. I think too much. But, when it comes down to brass tacks, I'm still siding for hope and idealism. There's a balance there that I'll probably constantly be searching for.
At ANY rate, I'm scheduled to start a clinical study for cisapride (scary drug) on April 20 and it can't come soon enough. Even then, it will probably take a couple months to get the actual medication. I tried Reglan, but it was terrible. Even 5mg doses (3x a day, then 1x) did me more harm than good. I was so tired and loopy that I could not function. I ended up crying in my room more than once during a work day simply because I hated feeling out-of-control. Me and drugs, we don't do well. But I have to hold out hope...even though cisapride has been known to cause death in patients who mix it with a long list of other meds and that scares the shit out of me. Of course, Reglan has its own issues now. Just look at all the lawsuits. And I know I only took it for a week, but I swear I'm seeing shit and my heart has started fluttering. Good god, I haven't told anyone that one. Maybe it's the fact that I'm taking in probably 400-600 calories a day, if I'm lucky. But, hey-hey, at least I'm losing weight.
And yeah, let's talk about that, because this affliction is more than just food and calories. It's fucking with my head. Food is everywhere and is required for most social activities. I feel like such a kill-joy. And yet, some of the people around me just don't get it. Don't bring in your delicious smelling Mexican food and A) ask me if I want some and B) eat it in front of me. And now I'm REALLY noticing just how large our portions are. A small is like an extra-large to me now. I'm supposed to take my friends out to dinner tomorrow night, just to use this gift certificate to a slightly-swank restaurant that I got months ago and I won't be able to enjoy most things on the menu. "Yeah, I'll have the soup....and could you put it in the smallest cup possible?" Dammit I miss food. And I didn't want to lose the weight this way. I was doing well exercising, but now I feel like I'm 17 again, starving myself. And yeah, I have a history of that too. I lost a lot of weight when I was younger by not eating, so yay for revisiting that. I'm scared this is not only going to starve me, but give me even more body issues, as well as the possibility of other afflictions/problems from not getting enough nutrition.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)