By way of introduction...

So, now that the crying jag (and subsequent puking) has passed, would you like some background?

Of course you would. I mean, who DOESN'T want to hear about other people's stomach trouble? I dare say no one, everyone? Wait....what?

A few months ago, I was diagnosed with gastroparesis. The earliest symptom I remember would have been Spring of 2006. At the time, it was simply intense bloating that passed after a few hours. Uncomfortable, but I thought it was either what I was eating, how fast, how much, something. I didn't have health insurance really since I was in college (returning student, I am now 32). It seemed to go away for a few months, and then return without warning. This past year, the symptoms have become worse. The evening bloating so painful and uncomfortable that I felt like I wanted to just unzip my stomach. By morning, it went back down. It got to the point that I just pretended I was pregnant to make myself feel better. But it was also increasingly interfering with my quality of life. When the bloating started, so did the fatigue and the shortness of breath. I felt disgusting.

So, I finally went to the doctor and we did the gastric emptying test. It took 4 1/2 hours for my stomach to empty. This seems to be mild-to-moderate gastroparesis. Some have it much worse. Unfortunately, it is now getting worse for me too.

Currently, I'm not able to tolerate solid food very well at all and even soup, broth, liquid, and baby food is becoming an issue. And honestly, I'm scared, scared and worried that it will just keep getting worse and I will have to have a feeding tube. The thought of anything non-organic in my body makes me sick. Literally. I was just on the verge of throwing up and foolishly looked up j-tube. Yeah, that did the trick.

I don't even want to talk about this. Not many people know how bad this is and I dread sounding like a whiner. So, that's what the internet is for, right? Who knows, maybe some other sufferer will take comfort in what will probably be a near-daily vacillation of highs and lows. This is really testing my resolve to be a more positive person, it really is. I'll admit that I'm kind of a sad sack sometimes. I think too much. But, when it comes down to brass tacks, I'm still siding for hope and idealism. There's a balance there that I'll probably constantly be searching for.

At ANY rate, I'm scheduled to start a clinical study for cisapride (scary drug) on April 20 and it can't come soon enough. Even then, it will probably take a couple months to get the actual medication. I tried Reglan, but it was terrible. Even 5mg doses (3x a day, then 1x) did me more harm than good. I was so tired and loopy that I could not function. I ended up crying in my room more than once during a work day simply because I hated feeling out-of-control. Me and drugs, we don't do well. But I have to hold out hope...even though cisapride has been known to cause death in patients who mix it with a long list of other meds and that scares the shit out of me. Of course, Reglan has its own issues now. Just look at all the lawsuits. And I know I only took it for a week, but I swear I'm seeing shit and my heart has started fluttering. Good god, I haven't told anyone that one. Maybe it's the fact that I'm taking in probably 400-600 calories a day, if I'm lucky. But, hey-hey, at least I'm losing weight.

And yeah, let's talk about that, because this affliction is more than just food and calories. It's fucking with my head. Food is everywhere and is required for most social activities. I feel like such a kill-joy. And yet, some of the people around me just don't get it. Don't bring in your delicious smelling Mexican food and A) ask me if I want some and B) eat it in front of me. And now I'm REALLY noticing just how large our portions are. A small is like an extra-large to me now. I'm supposed to take my friends out to dinner tomorrow night, just to use this gift certificate to a slightly-swank restaurant that I got months ago and I won't be able to enjoy most things on the menu. "Yeah, I'll have the soup....and could you put it in the smallest cup possible?" Dammit I miss food. And I didn't want to lose the weight this way. I was doing well exercising, but now I feel like I'm 17 again, starving myself. And yeah, I have a history of that too. I lost a lot of weight when I was younger by not eating, so yay for revisiting that. I'm scared this is not only going to starve me, but give me even more body issues, as well as the possibility of other afflictions/problems from not getting enough nutrition.