I apologize if anyone is offended by my language, but last night was goddamned awful. Yesterday I had a little applesauce for breakfast and a hot mocha. Lunch (late) was some pureed peas and curried-carrot-ginger soup. I was fine after all that. Then at about 5pm, I had a handful of Cheez-its and one slice of thin-sliced turkey. Rebel, I know. I felt moderately ok, so about an hour and a half later, I had the rest of the Cheez-its (one of those small, vending-size bags). Yeah, and I did have about 8oz of Pimm's and ginger ale. I was incapacitated for the rest of the night, just lying there trying desperately not to throw up. It also felt like a lot of air is trapped in my stomach. Ended up going to bed early. What else was I supposed to do? More lost time and it seems to be in a bad stage right now. Perfect, since I have company in town and I'll have to explain. She wants to take me out to dinner on Monday, ha.

Right now, I still feel nauseous, but I'm not sure if it's because I'm hungry, it's residual, it's an air pocket, or I'm making myself worry. I'm scared of eating but I'm hungry. Even when I'm nauseous, the hunger is still there. I'll just stick to liquids today and see how it goes. I have too much to do to lose time by being sick.

What fresh hell is this

I was fine, more than fine, doing really well today. So well it made me think I was getting better. That is not so. I feel awful. It's starting to be painful and the more I worry, the worse it gets so I'm writing so I don't worry. This morning I had about a 1/4 c. banana (infant) "oatmeal". It was mostly liquid. Feeling great when I woke up. Started drinking soy mocha at around 10am, never finished. Maybe 3/4 of it, 1/2? Still fine. 1/2 c. ginger-carrot soup for lunch at 1:30pm. Felt fine after that too. All was well and I was in a pretty good mood, getting things done for a change. About 4pm I had one of those small snack packs of Cheez-its, was careful to chew up very well and no.....just no. I've been nauseous, doubled-over, feeling of air pocket ever since about 5pm. I've noticed it takes about an hour for it to hit. I so hate this, this utter waste of time. How many hours, days have I lost?

And I feel like I even look sick now. I hate feeling my bones, the paleness has always been there really. It's not summer yet, even here. But it's a different quality, an unhealthy quality.
I can't eat anything else tonight. I'm scared to even drink water. The thought makes me want to throw up.

Someday you'll pick up these little zeroes and ones, these little virtual artifacts, quiet and unassuming, and you'll understand. Why I couldn't say anything. And would you have believed me anyway.